i write habitually as a way to
verbalize my far too complex thoughts which
are always in a web of words, tightly woven in fabric of sentences
that complicate life unnessarily.
well maybe i'm at fault too but hey, we're only human. when the faith appears to be something i've kept believing in despite the falls, i've only come to realise that it's of no use in trying anymore. maybe it's time i told myself that all good things must come to an end one day. i thought i'd never be saying this, but i'm leaving this behind. since i don't deserve the happiness i once had anymore, i might as well fight for it again, this time, on my own. i surrender. i'm putting all that i've known of you behind me. no one said it'll be easy and no one said i'll be okay with this. even if it takes years for me to pull through, i'm still here. i'll be around when you need someone. i'll be around when you realize i'm the one you've been searching for. i'll be here when you finally want to talk about anything at all. but for now i'm done. i'm done being treated the way you treat me. i'm done being trapped in your shadows. i'm done hoping you might change for the better.
all this while, you've been too caught up in your own emotions that you forget about me, my feelings and my presence. you've been overly protective, i don't even know where to turn to anymore. i've been damaged. not only by your hands or words but by your heart and your silence throughout this time when i needed you most. i've been trying to understand your situation especially now that you're a step ahead in life and facing that phase where all guys would one day. but you've taken all of that for granted. you've taken me, for granted.
you dont even know why the shit you're there. you tried explaining yourself, but all that came out from ur lips are gibberish that forms up from ur swollen mind. because you lie too much. and you tried to understand everything, everything. but it got you into more deeper worst than i ever thought you would become.you have enough lying for the day. in fact, since forever. you have to stop seeking solace from sadness. you have to stop making me your reasons. i will not be bother by you because i know you'll never gonna change. i was wrong. i was so wrong again.and you know it's gonna hurt you, not me. we know.
didn't you learn already? when you fall, its not into something protective, warm, like how they would describe the clouds. you'll fall downwards, scrape your knees and swallow dust. you'll not just fall, you'll plunge. sticks and stones can break your bones, but things like these will always hurt you.
I want to talk about everything. Confrontation is important but the contents of the spats is often too hurtful. I cannot afford another heartbreak. Its really pathetic to cling on to something which is already dead.So let's just stop, drop everything, forget each other's name and walk away. tell me which road you're taking. I don't want to risk our paths crossing someday.
i know it's a long entry.i've think it over again and again. and i think i finally realise. and i thank you gf.
do you believe in love? i do. but i wish it doesn't erode over time and then become a pile of nothingness. but who am i to hope for a version of love that remains intact when everything in life is evanescent?
