speak my thoughts.
Monday, July 30, 2007 7/30/2007 11:55:00 PM
OK, I feel like shit and everyone around at home is sleeping peacefully, but somebody has to make this stop. I wonder if anything will work to get rid of the pain that penetrates so deep. Well, there must be something, some very strong hand with a very tight grip that can turn off the crazy way I feel and what I feel is a death urge, because there's nothing left for me to work out on and I will die alone, like how I live alone. The promise that on the other side of depression lies a beautiful life, one worth surviving suicide for is all a big dupe.
Stop telling lies, people, because when I die you will be responsible for my death. I hate myself and everyone, why isn't the happy pills working anymore? I want to die and this feels awful. I will wake up tomorrow morning, feeling afraid I am going to live but I am certain that I won't feel that way, because I know it, I am already dead. My spirit, my emotional being is long gone, dead and gone. I hear nothing, except my own questions in my head which goes something like, "why do you always give in?" I hate to admit it but it sounds like the truth and I keep giving answers to it, as if someone not imaginary like my mind was asking it.
And at this very moment, I still want to kill myself, I don't care what state of false consciousness doctors are able to put me in because even in this dangerous state of mind, people still lie to me and cheat me of everything I have.
Fuck me and fuck you.
i write habitually as a way to
verbalize my far too complex thoughts which
are always in a web of words, tightly woven in fabric of sentences
that complicate life unnessarily.
