msfido
dido

i write habitually as a way to verbalize my far too complex thoughts which are always in a web of words, tightly woven in fabric of sentences that complicate life unnessarily.

speak my thoughts.
Sunday, July 29, 2007 7/29/2007 07:25:00 PM

Hi. I am back, back to reality. Not the best stirring vote of confidence I've ever heard myself saying, but it's good enough. My biological alarm clock is ringing and I have to decide fast. There's no more time to waste. Now that I am home, I suddenly feel like a toddler who had just fallen into the deep end of a pool. I wish I didn't have to return.

I'm sorry I went away without telling. I know it's long enough to conjure guesses from sonuvabitches on whether I am dead yet or not but bad news for you, I am alive and have built enough strength to hate you even more. I know all the shit you've been doing behind my back, so don't talk to me about how I destroyed you. Men like you are just the icing on the cake and I am currently on a diet.

it was unexpected invitings to seeing me with another. I cheated myself like I knew I would and I knew it coming. I told you that I was trouble; you know I’m no good.i couldn't help it, i'm sorry.But i'm proud you grew stronger.

Yeah, anyway, I was away at a distant somewhere and only brought along the people I love. The cord that led the place back to Earth was disconnected and I liked it that way. It was the best week of my life, although I nearly lost my sanity.. it all ended up good. It created memories of a guardian angel who wrapped himself around me and brought me back from the (almost) dead. It was the first in a very long time that I felt the closest to him I hope he saw how much he'd put life back into me. Guilt assailed me like an avenging angel for a fleeting second only because most of the time I kept getting hit by the strangest feeling of being alive, more alive than I had been in years, and everything fell into perspective - who I was/am, who I could be, what I wanted. I had faced down the specter of my past once and for all, please don't look back.

Umm.. i think It's time for me to be a big girl now.No more runnings, no more hidings. Conform to expectations and not repent later. I was overly eager to experience, to sample normal life and be free. And in the process of it, I fucked it up.

And what happen to at home, i don't fucking bother.Don't worry. No matter what i love you mama, still. We all do.

I pray every night. I would abandon everything painful, move away to a new world where I can be happy and somehow disremember some people. But I was denied in abysmal misery. So god, hear me calling because the faith has been fading slowly already.