I'm falling fast

I shall plow through A Vindication of the Rights of Women and figure out how to free myself from this enslavement to men. Because every guy I fall for becomes a cheating scumbag or disappears without any last words within the first month of our relationship. I know that this happens, I see it happening. I even feel myself sometimes, at a temporal crossroad, some distinct moment at which I can say No and walk away to prevent failure, but I never do. I grab at everything and end up with nothing. And then I feel bereft. I'm a sick girl. Now I would have to really convince a medical doctor that I am truly imbalanced, that there's no other explanation to what I always feel and think. I've been to therapy multiple times but all they keep saying is, You need love. I know their advice is well-intentioned but in the meantime, I am falling, I know it, I am. Now tell me, why’d you keep coming back?

I keep telling myself to stop getting involved but some things are inescapable. I'm still holding on to a possibility, hoping I don't let go. In this entanglement, I feign nonchalance and still engulfed by confusion, I ask, is reparation out of reach already?